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Mar. 20th, 2012

lj, you make me so happy. truth! I love diaries, and why you are not pioneer in origin you certainly are in spirit. I wish everyone would come back.
I've lived in Wisconsin 6 months now. Out in the country, in a tiny village of a few hundred. A village I can walk across in 15 minutes.

I'm still adjusting. How different my life is here.

happy valentines

i wonder why i am so attracted to men with mental illnesses?
they're almost never apparent at first. each one seems so normal.
but i can smell crazy from across a crowded room.
manic, chronic depression, forms of autism, schizophrenia...
they start trickling out of their skin as they get more comfortable with me.
skin... how many times have i brought a boy home, undressed him in passion, only to find the tell tale pink raised ridges of precise laceration cuts all over his body?

why do i always begin kissing them there first, across these lines?


is it a florence nightingale thing? "i can save them. they are safe with me."
is it pity? taking one for the team.
is it because i find them exciting?
or is it something more sinister... is it control? can i smell a victim? am i a bad person?

would it be the same if i dated girls? or would i be attracted to a different type?

Dec. 26th, 2011

hi lj,

i'm just peeking in. as of late i haven't had much to speak of. or at least nothing to lollygag on about. but i'm here.

breathe

i love that when boy thinks i am sleeping he tries to match his exhales/inhales to mine. he's never admitted to doing this, but he does it every time we fall asleep together.
sweet sentimrntal boy, that one.

Nov. 20th, 2011

nights like this i want to hug you live journal. just cuddle you all night long till the break of day.

wow this date

apparently this date has been dealt a death blow by the cosmos for me. i am always unhappy on this date. is it the lack of sunshine? the impending doom of winter looming? i have always yearned for anything that was not at my side at the moment. all these entries were on this day or nearby...

2001-
in a perfect world i would be left alone to make puppets

2002-
tucson, a sunny place for shady people

2003-
my chest feels like a victem of an unhappy vivisection

2004-
1. rebirth

2. strength

3. prosperity

2005-
"we're going to run away to 1983. i swear to god we will.
he'll get a high rise rooftop apartment like in liquid sky.
and i'll get a little floor level with a tiny garden like klaus nomi.
and we'll dance all night, every night."

2006-
today i gave a bunny a bath

2007-
i had a long conversation with the gentelman on the subject of mold and he told me of different mold warfares and how they sabotage eachother and fight for the rights to mold food. fascinating! i love stories.

2008-
"i'm wallowing in self pitty and the usual confusion."

2009-
"stared forever at a statue of a woman with her labia split open giving birth to buddah. she made it look so easy. when am i giving birth to my buddah. when is my enlightenment?"

2010-
in my dreams i'm always shaman. healer. god dealer.i am long haired in my dreams and wild. i wake up with my head "thunking' from the pressure of my dreams. is it telling me i just have to wait. or is it telling me the next plain is better.

i wrote this many years ago on this date

Just when you fall out of love with life,
life falls all kind of in love with you.

Writer's Block: Check, please!

i've always had it where date have been dinner and something else (like dinner and a movie or dinner and a show) one grabs dinner and the other grabs the event. its always just happened that way in my case.

Nov. 14th, 2011

where does one begin a journal entry?

especially when i have been away for so long. the past couple years have been rough and i was drowning. not even with a one two three count. but drowning face first. spiral and sink. why is it easier to write about hard times than the good.

let me start with now at this exact moment and i can capture everything else on a round up of back stories and... one time i...

right now the sky is chock full of cotton. soon the snow will pour or rain. its all the same here.
right now i live in the middle of a cornfield so far away from anything i knew in life. in the tiniest of tiny towns in the middle of nowhere.
right now i live with my father and aunt whom i never knew in life until now.
right now there is the most lovely and divine boy in my bed. still sleeping away as he wakes much later than i. who materialized at the exact moment i said to my last ex (of a year and a half ago) "you don't have the power to hurt me any more"
right now i am jobless but it doesn't matter so much as i am full time errand runner for the house hold...
right now i am not creating anything
right now i wanted this to be more fluid and complete in writing but i just don't seem to be able to gather my thoughts.
right now i miss all of you.