i fell in with a crowd of drifters

i'm in the middle of the worst flu i've had my adult life. a short hospital visit. 2 weeks now of coughing. lung infection, fevers, delerious, bordering on total paranoia hullucinagens (?), not to mention trying to flush the medication out of my body now. which i think is almost worst. can't concentrate, think clearly. i'm up for 15 minutes and i'm exhuasted. and when i'm awake i can't do much more than stare.

http://www.vanityfair.com/online/culture/2009/10/21/world-premiere-fever-ray-stranger-than-kindness-video.html

the new fever ray video, a cover of nick cave's "stranger than kindness"

so many elements of the live show in this. so loved the song live. the green lights were crashing back and forth above my head and everytime they'd run into eachother a little shiver down my spine. and the noise, and my confusion, and that moment...the lights crashing into eachother... the music crashing into me... ebb and flow and rock against it. the heat of the venue, the shape of the ceiling, all of it, all so wonderful.

this is the first piece of jewelry i had every made. a little owl necklace with little owly eggs. going to see where the wild things are tonight.

i accidently saw jared tonight but i dont think he saw me. my heart stopped.

last night i had a dream i was on television demonstrating how to make little pin cushions. the base was made out of antique doll shoulders and heads. i cut the top fo the head out and made a cloth brain to put the needles in.

i'm keeping secrets from you and i shouldn't.
i'm not long for this town i have gotten my swift kick of destiny and am really excited about it.

oh little live journal i have a couple of months to pour into you, just wait.

yeah.
i can't even begin to know what to type here, because i have no idea where my life is right now.

lovvvvvvvvvely song! listening to it over and over again and the complete them for the night.

i feel like a drowned rat and if i was a drinking girl i'd have drank myself six foot under last night. sat on the steps at dawn and watched this sad ole world roll by and not even notice. and i'll enter a another fine day of lets pretend we're not crying at work.

trying to figure out what i should do with my vacation time. and i have plane tickets to philly and show tickets in new york that i dont know what to do with. and if i can find people to put me up for the night. or if i just won't be able to because it will hurt me too much to be there and not be with him.
and to figure out why everything in my whole life was pushing me out of here and towards that and art school. i started getting mailers for philly art schools and i never new if he sent them or something cosmos happened. and doors here were closing, not in a bad way but in a complete and done way. and FUCK.

my internet is dead. send help and someone to hold my hand while i figure out how to get internets that doesn't suddenly appear on my computer without any help from me.

i have a really amazing boy in my life right now. who says all the most perfect things and does the most amazing things and i just sort of stand there with my mouth hanging open and my eyes all soft in disbelief. every word is written in gold and every movement is cherished.

i will always be 17
i will always believe in magic
the colors will always be bright
i will always be able to see the things no one else can see

did you pluck that dress straight from my fairest of dreams?

before dawn i went out and tried to search out the meteors. i failed but spent an age stareing at the sky and thinking. these bits of ice and rock and trailing dust. hurdling. an inescapable silent scream for their lives. passing us and our lonely little planet. the things we do to each other and to ourselves. because we've become so bored there's nothing to do but destroy. lately images from dog fighting has been hot on my mind every second. genocide, starvation, spitting hate, cutters, torture and kill, the horrible things that live in each one of us. how many things die at our hands. how many things have i unknowingly tortured or maimed. the butterfly effect and ripples. why can't we let go and why can't we be happy. and why must we take others down with us. why must we injure the weaker ones. hurdle past rocks and ice. you don't want to stop here. nothing to see, its the same all over.

so now i'm listening to c93 and drawing and withdrawn into my own little world. now don't get me wrong i'm happy. i think really good things are coming my way. maybe the pendulum is just swinging. i slept like 20 minutes tonight. i'm hungry but i feel sick. another day at work

HI!

there are things!

and there are events!

and there is YES! sometimes no but mainly YES!

and thats all i can say about it right now.

i love jorgie jorgesson (listed here as yogi yorgesson but spelled different on my music by him) just flipping adore him. in the little bits of memory i have before moving to az everyone speaks like this



and



probably best known for his christmas song "i yust go nuts at christmas" he's been such a favorite of mine.

enjoy!

cooked up some edamame that i thought had given up the ghost. turned out to be fine and omg delicious. put a ton of salt on them and i think salt is what i needed to feel better, because i feel fantastic now.

i am rough on shoes. i work on my feet 8 hours a day and walk everywhere. my last 3 pairs of work shoes were all killed in 2 weeks. finally found a decent pair of sketchers that were vegan to work in. thrilled! by far the most comfortable work shoes and they seem to last me a long time. will order those on friday. work is still a pain and i'm so unhappy there with all the new changes. BUT found out one of the new girl's roommates is a professional prince impersonator. ah!!!!!!!!!!! will hire him to follow me around the store one of these nights. she says he'll do anything for 20 bucks. oh my, he will earn those 20 bucks. "prince, price check on register 4"

there are things that are all together better right now. we'll see what happens

i don't care if its 102 out today. work dress code said nothing about not being able to wear stripe legwarms to work so if thats all ihave in this world thats all i have.

cannot deal with this dress code any longer.

i am going to have to give up volunteering because of increased demands at work. this kills me. that stupid job is taking up even more of my life.

was supposed to go to lunch with a friend but they ended up flaking. its ok they have a lot going on right now.

want to go to motherland tonight but no ones biting to want to go with me.

having just sort of an off/unloved day after so many good ones. feeling neglected by the world. its like "ok show me again how i'm just not all that important in the world." did talk online to a very kind friend for hours. um thats it. how sad. at least i go out tomorrow night.

don't worry little live journal, even with all the other sites out thre i still love you most of all. even if no one else is left. you tell the best stories.

even though my vacation to philly/nyc is still two months away i've started to do the mental nailing down of events. things i need to see. things i need to do. trying to figure out what to take for clothes. because i'm going back and forth between the two cities i need something smallish to take with me, that doesn't make me look like a muggable tourist in nyc. a main problem is that i'm fond of outfits with a lot of fabric. so i'm trying to scale down the way i dress and make it... bite size? also the whole limited liquids thing is a pain. is lip gloss a liquid or a solid?

but it will also be fall on the east coast! i will get to kick fallen colored leaves as i walk. which makes this desert bred girl really excited. i will get to see the people who i really should have visited years ago. a real vacation. really the first real vacation in my whole adult life.

oh i have nothing else, i'm so tired from work. i have to be there at 4:45 am tomorrow. it keeps getting worse there and i feel like i'm drowning in it.